Lucas Lascivious

Foe of moderation, champion of excess

A Message to Liberals Voting for Trump

To start, are you fucking kidding me?

Let’s cut to the chase straightaway: we get it, you hate Hillary. While you’re entitled to your opinion, it’s an opinion that Hillary has accepted because of her decades in the public eye, whereas Donald Trump has literally sued others for the non-crime of disliking him.

You call yourself a liberal, but are willing to abandon the basest liberal values to ensure a certified egoist, racist, xenophobic, anti-gay sociopath becomes President, just because you disagree with the Democratic candidate on a few issues? You’re basically a spoiled child throwing a tantrum  because they didn’t get sweets before dinner at this point, since your candidate of choice didn’t become the Democratic nominee, the difference being tantrums among children are usually the most severe between the ages of two and eight, and you’re a fucking adult.

Do I think the Democratic voting system is flawed? Absolutely. In that same respect, did Bernie agree to the rules prior to launching his campaign to become President? Yes. But, your embitterment is transforming you into the Leftist version of Trump supporters; you can’t criticize his angry, idiotic advocates when you’re doing the exact same thing. It’s acceptable to dislike the presumptive Democratic nominee, but when the only other option is Donald Trump, it’s time to call upon the maturity as a voter that Trump as a candidate very obviously lacks.



It’s Time to Stop Saying the Orlando Shootings Weren’t the Result of Homophobia


By now, if you haven’t accepted the fact that the Orlando shootings were homophobic in nature, you’re living in a state of delusion I somewhat envy. Conversely, to those of us living in reality, it was a blatantly homophobic attack tinged with religious extremism. While it’s encouraging that such a broad range of people have shown overwhelming sympathy and support, it’s farcical to ignore the fact that any attack of this sort has very real implications for the LGBT community. It was only last year that we were commemorating marriage equality, an enormous milestone in both American and LGBT history alike, and now, here we are a year later being served a grave reminder that, to some, our innate sexual orientation still carries a stigma among a far-too-large portion of the population.

The LGBT community has never been one that bows easily to intimidation, but we’re right back where we were nearly two decades when ago when Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. were brutalized and left for dead, and we were subsequently left fearing for our safety. The silver lining is that their deaths brought about the Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr. Hate Crimes Prevention Act (a decade after the fact, but I digress), which made it a federal crime to commit a crime motivated by a person’s sexual orientation or gender identity. The actuality is that we’re now in a position where we once again have to be cautious about our welfare, even more so than usual.

What the general population doesn’t understand on the whole is that you don’t have to be a murderous, gun-wielding lunatic to inflict injury upon the LGBT community. It’s fortunate that a majority of the country is in favor of seemingly simple ideas like marriage equality, but there are significant factions of people who disagree under the guise of religion and things of the sort. Using something like religion to justify discrimination against LGBT people (or any other group for that matter) inadvertently promotes hostility towards said group of people, so by being an asshole, you’re enabling other assholes to act in the same manner.

Nightmarish scenarios like the one that presented itself in Orlando (and Sandy Hook, Aurora, Virginia Tech, etc.) tend to bring us closer together as a populace, but like so many highs, the novelty of it quickly wears off. Let’s break that habit and not let this sense of camaraderie wear off like it so frequently has in the past. Like Matthew Shepard and James Byrd, Jr.’s deaths, let’s not allow the travesty in Orlando to be without recompense. The Orlando shooting was the 173rd mass shooting in 164 days in the U.S. so far this year. That’s a sobering statistic. It’s time to stop debating the reasoning behind Omar Mateen’s actions and do something to ensure we don’t have to endure yet another tragedy.

Brexit vs. Trump


With the clusterfuck that is the current American presidential election, it’s easy to forget that there is a world outside of America that exists. Americans generally aren’t particularly attuned to international politics, but there is a current political debate that should be at the forefront of Americans’ minds, and that is the referendum that’s been introduced in the United Kingdom to allow it to withdraw from the European Union. The Withdrawal of the United Kingdom from the European Union (Brexit for short) referendum is essentially the result of a pander-based promise made by David Cameron, a.k.a. the British George W. Bush, that if he were to be elected, he would put to a vote whether or not the U.K. should remain a part of the EU. It’s a very important referendum that’s relevant to not only the U.S., given the U.K. is a close ally, but every other country that’s a part of the European Union and/or a U.K. ally.

While European politics may seem arcane to most Americans, what’s proven interesting is the parallels between the debate over the Brexit referendum and the current presidential debate. For example, both Trump supporters and pro-Brexits are primarily comprised of older conservatives who are undereducated. In the same way university graduates are more likely to support Democrats in the U.S., their British counterparts are subsequently more predisposed to favor abdication from the E.U. Additionally, both Trump and the potential Brexit mandate promote isolationism. In the same way that Trump attacks allies that the U.S. shares a border with, the U.K. runs a grave risk of alienation among their neighborly allies by feeding into what amounts to political propitiation.

From an economic standpoint, both Trump and the U.K.’s secession from the E.U. would be cataclysmic, both domestically and internationally. For all his talk about how many supposed billions of dollars he has, Trump doesn’t seem to understand even the basest economic concepts, like free trade, which also holds true of those who are pro-Brexits. As it stands, almost three-quarters of the U.K.’s are the result of them being a member of the European Union. Perhaps if Trump’s perception of wealth wasn’t skewed to the point of blindness, he’d realize that free trade is an essential part of prosperous economics.  In short, national autonomy is a slippery slope that echoes the remnants of Soviet Russia or modern-day North Korea.

In either case, the underlying issue isn’t about logic, it’s about prejudices overruling acumen.

Realistically, there’s no chance of Trump becoming President, just as there’s very little chance the Brexit referendum will garner enough support to pass, but the fact remains that political difference in opinion is marginal, which highlights the fact that perhaps we as supposedly civilized societies aren’t as misanthropic as we think and more jingoistic than we’d hoped.

Online Sexism


Misogyny is an unfortunate, yet ubiquitous standard in modern-day society. It’s optimistic to delude oneself into thinking that sexism doesn’t exist, but just like racism, homophobia, etc., it does exist and to deny that fact is not a notion that’s founded in reality. What the invention of the Internet has managed to do, though, is take the already ridiculous expectations we place upon women and magnify their supposed “faults.”

Misogyny itself stems from an ingratiated, feudal social construct combined with men who are so insecure about their virility (among other things) that they feel they have no other option than to be raging assholes.

Which brings us to online misogynists…

The reason anonymous, online misogynists are monstrously disparaging towards women is because they use their anonymity and keyboards as cyber shields, otherwise, if they were to repeat the awful things they say about women (ranging from “you’re fat” to “you should be raped and die”) face-to-face, they’d cower, which would likely be followed by a slap in the face and a knee to the balls.

As a rule of thumb from now on, any idiotic thing you’d say to a woman you don’t know, just think about how your mother would react to hearing the exact same thing. You’d be offended, but you’d simultaneously be duplicitous. The cure for sexism isn’t necessarily shaming people for their misguided beliefs as they pertain to gender, but rather educating them when given the chance.

7 Things I Wish Sex Ed Had Taught Me

It’s no secret that sex education in America is subpar. My personal sex ed experience involved a lot of slides showing people with blistering STDs not seen since the Middle Ages and an outdated video of a woman giving birth that basically scarred me for life. At the time it seemed like comprehensive sexual education, but retrospectively, it was and is a sexual disservice. With that being said, here are my suggestions for potential sex ed programs in the future:

1. Learn how to hide a boner
You have two options, depending on the size of your penis, but both require equal slyness. If you’re small-dicked, your best option is to pull a drag queen and try to tuck it, but if you’re a larger-dicked individual, the waistband of you pants is your best friend. The waistband acts as a sort of mew so that no one can casually see that you have an erection. Either way, indiscretion is the key to not looking like a pervert when you’re adjusting your penis.

2. Vaginas are not scary.
To begin, they’re part of a woman’s innate biology, so it’s not like they can get rid of them for your appeasement. Secondly, there are straight guys who fear vaginas because of vaginal aesthetics, but gay guys take it to another level by treating vaginas like they’re kryptonite. I realize gays have a reputation for being dramatic, but, really, calm down.  There are gay OB/GYNs who see thousands of vaginas and they somehow miraculously managed to refrain from recoiling in horror.

3. Always have lube on hand.
Yes, vaginas are generally self-lubricating, but lube is always a plus, and pretty much a requirement for gay males. The world would be a better (albeit stickier) place if everyone would just keep a packet/bottle of lube on them at all times, just in case.

4. It’s sexist to deem a sexually active female a slut.
Sex is, for most of us, a seeming biological need, and even though gender equality has come a long way, females who fulfill their sexual desires are still labeled pretty much any synonym for “whore” you could think of. I hate to break it to you, but what a person does in their private life with their body is not anyone’s business but their own (within legal boundaries).

5. Enemas are a godsend.
Among heterosexuals, anal sex is becoming more prevalent, but, unlike their homosexual counterparts, they still are abject to the idea of douching. No one wants to stick their dick in a person’s ass and pull it out covered in feces.

6. Ass play doesn’t make you gay.
Females have their G-spots, but the male G-spot is the prostate. Most straight guys are opposed to having anything being shoved up their butt, but realistically, it’s euphoric. The problem is a lot of guys think having something as small as a pinky thrusted up their ass is “gay.” As someone who’s had plenty of things up their ass that have been much larger than a finger, let me tell you firsthand that it’s worth it.

7. Switching teams is okay.
Personally, I highly prefer cocks to vaginas, but in the few instances I have had sex with women, I’ve enjoyed it.


A Little More Personal

I hate the notion that because someone is family you have to be nice, or, at the very least, cordial.

I had to block my father’s number because he frequently gets drunk and/or high and texts to berate me as a slut living off of my parents’ money, which is ironic, seeing as how it took my mother taking him to court to finagle the thousands of dollars he owed in back child support, which he still didn’t pay in full. I remember sitting on the front lawn of our house after my parents divorced when it was his weekend for hours and he never came because he was “busy” at work (translation: getting belligerent). Even when I finally came out to him, which was excruciating enough, all he said was, “Yeah, I’ve heard things…”

I’ve legitimately tried to be nice to him over the years out of pity, but since I’ve omitted him from my life, I’ve found that my existence is exponentially better.

Things I Hate, Part 2


Movember (a.k.a. No-Shave November) was invented to bring awareness to prostate cancer, which is only slightly less effective than the Ice Bucket Challenge. The only thing you’re succeeding in doing is looking like the hipster lovechild of a homeless person and a Williamsburg busker who bangs trashcan lids together and calls it performance art.

Wreaths on cars
The only thing you’re announcing by tying a wreath to the front of your car is that you’re an obnoxious asshole.

When the top news story is weather
We get it: it rained. Meanwhile, Dirar Moussa al-Jahid was tortured and murdered for expressing his political opinions. What’s that you say,?California is experiencing a drought? NO SHIT, it’s city in the middle of the goddamned dessert. There are more important things going on in the world. Unless there’s astronomical damage, à la Hurricane Katrina, I do not care.

I’ve had to take off my man Spanx in the middle of a bar before because after a few shots it feels like a straitjacket. I will deal with carrying a few extra pounds and booze bloat if it means I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated.

Weight loss commercials
Let’s be clear: all weight loss plans are temporary fixes. What Oprah doesn’t tell you in those Weight Watchers commercials is recidivism rates are sizable (no pun intended) if you don’t change your entire dietary lifestyle, not to mention, you’d practically have to have Oprah’s net worth to buy those things. To say they’re overpriced is being generous.

When people say, “I’ll pray for you”
I’m not exactly mum about the fact I’m an atheist, but even if I weren’t, it’s quite presumptuous to presume I’d even want your prayers. Your intentions may very well be good in your own mind, but it’s nonetheless condescending.

Giving bigots undue attention
Do you know what bigots hate more than minorities, women, gays, Muslims, etc.? Being ignored, which is exactly what we should be doing instead of giving them a public platform to spew their vitriolic and, frankly, dangerous rhetoric.

The word “homophobia”
When something is labeled a phobia, it implies the person with the phobia has an irrational fear of something. People who are labeled “homophobic” by and large aren’t legitimately fearful of gays, they’re anti-gay monomaniacs.

YouTube “celebrities”
Every once in a while there are YouTube personalities who actually make positive contributions to society (ex.: Tyler Oakley) and are quite funny (ex.: Michael Buckley), but 99 percent of the time, they’re famous for being attractive while perpetuating the stereotype that you can’t be both pretty and smart. Is Joey Graceffa nice to look at? Obviously. Would I doze off if I were—god forbid—stuck in a room having a conversation with him? Undoubtedly. Yet, he’s making six figures spouting mind-numbing nonsense. What’s more, I’ve never even heard of 99 percent of these people who tout being YouTube/Instagram/Vine “famous.” Child, I have never heard of you. Whip your dick out and then maybe you’ll advance to at least being a minor blip on my radar.

Things I Hate, Part 1


I don’t have children for a reason and it’s not just because I like dick, it’s because I don’t like children in general, so what makes you think I care about the life of your baby? All babies practically look the same, and even if they’re ugly, it’s not as if any decent person is going to tell you, “I don’t want to see your ugly baby.” Until they can form coherent sentences and use the toilet by themselves, I am not interested.

While we’re on the subject of babies, what is with these ever-increasingly large baby carriers? My god, you’re transporting an infant, you don’t need a semi-truck for a stroller. As a rule of thumb, if the carriage your hauling your baby around in weighs more than the actual baby, you’ve gone overboard.

In the grocery hierarchy, it goes, from mildly annoying to I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face annoying, slow-shuffling old people, people who park their carts in the middle of the aisle, and then couponers. For the love of god, I will give couponers the five dollars they’d save on their entire purchase if it means I won’t have to wait in line behind them. When I go to the market, I have everything meticulously mapped out so that I can be out of there in under 10 minutes, so I don’t want to stand behind someone negating the expiration date of a coupon so they can save 10 cents on a can of string beans.

Vague obituaries
If you’re going to take the time to pay to have someone’s obituary publicly posted in a newspaper, why wouldn’t you include the cause of death? Yes, it’s a macabre request, but I don’t know your relative that died. At least give me details to pique my interest.

On the topic of death, funerals are the worst. The only thing more morbid than my wanting to know peoples’ cause of death is people who want to see their embalmed and gutted loved ones inside of a wooden box that’s about to be thrown into the ground and left to rot until maggots eventually burrow through the coffin and feed on them. Not only are coffin burials environmentally unsound, they’re just fucking creepy.

Amusement parks
Who in their right mind would want to wait in line for two hours just for three minutes worth of an adrenaline rush? I’m impatient as it is, but unless there are multiple beer carts while I’m in that line, my patience is shot within 10 minutes and I’m over it. Furthermore, amusement parks seem to never be lacking in people with fanny packs who look like they have nylon FUPAs.

I’m just going to say it: Nutella is gross. Even if I liked eating a spread that’s 58 percent sugar by weight, Nutella has gone the way of bacon, in that people rave about it so much that it’s become passé. It’s like the American version of Marmite: it tastes awful, yet people go crazy for it.

Car commercials
The louder you shout, the less likely I am to buy anything from you. It appears as if car dealerships are following Fox News’ modus operandi that entails shouting as loudly and aggressively as possible until people just give in because they’re tired of hearing you scream at them.

ID expiration dates
My ID has technically been expired since 2013, but rarely have I had a problem with bars and stores not accepting it. That being said, in the recherché event someone does deny me because my ID is expired, I have to wonder, what the fuck does it matter? My birthdate is clearly stated on my ID, thus it’s clear that I’m way older than the minimum drinking age. Calm down, Carrie Nation.

Zoos are fun because they give you an opportunity to see wild animals you’d likely never be able to see in their natural habitats. However, as much as I enjoy zoos, I always leave feeling sympathetic for the poor animals that are being barked at and guffawed over on a daily basis in pens that, for the most part, in no way come close to mimicking their natural environments.

Ill-fitting suits
It’s called tailoring. Learn your measurements and have you suit fitted accordingly. It may seem a little expensive in the present, but in the long run, you’ll be glad you did.

Five Questions Left Unanswered by The Golden Girls


The Golden Girls is undoubtedly one of the most fantastic and progessive shows that’s come along within the past few decades, but as brilliant a show as it may have been and continues to be, I’ve noticed a few glaring inconsistencies and quandaries. For example:

What happened to Coco?
In the first episode, the Girls had a gay houseboy named Coco, but he mysteriously vanished after the first episode. A quick Google search tells me that most of his one-liners were eventually transposed to Sophia and she was made a main character in lieu of him, which, to their credit, was wise on the part of the part of the writers, directors, and producers, but it begs the question: what happened to Coco?  Judging by his wardrobe, I can only assume he went on to become an extra in The Birdcage.

What happened to Blanche after she went to Sicily when she went to find Sophia?
In one episode, Dorothy put Blanche in charge of “babysitting” Sophia (which begat the famous line, “Fasten your seatbelt, slut-puppy. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!”), during which Sophia flees to Sicily to find an old lover. After being informed of Sophia’s international exploits, Blanche sets off to try and find her, and at the end of the episode, we’re left with the image of Blanche riding a donkey through the foothills of what’s supposed to be Sicily, yet we’re never given an explanation as to what happens next. Was Blanche stranded in Sicily? What was her reaction when she found out Sophia was already safely home back in Miami? Did she make the best of it and convert it into a vacation?

Did Dorothy follow up on her offer to help Mario expedite a visa to the U.S.?
In one memorable episode, Dorothy takes it upon herself to tutor a Latin American boy named Mario (played by Mario Lopez) and eventually discovers he’s a gifted poet. She submits a poem of his to a local newspaper, which in turn, because of his photo also being published, leads the INS to come knocking on Dorothy’s door to inform her that Mario is an illegal immigrant. He’s eventually deported, but as he and Dorothy are saying their goodbyes, she vows to keep fighting to get him back into the U.S. Did she ever actually make good on that promise? Because she seems to forget about him pretty quickly and Mario never made another appearance on the series.

Where does the random hallway to the left of the lānai go?
Screenshot 2015-12-22 at 2.20.15 PM

How can Dorothy’s first-born be in his 20s?
At one point, Dorothy mentioned that she and Stan had been married for 38 years, which was the result of her getting knocked up. It’s mentioned several times throughout the series that Michael is in his 20s, but mathematical logic means he’d be at least in his late-30s at best, but most likely in his 40s.

The Advantages of Being Short

cuddlingIn the past I used to be highly insecure about my height, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that being short actually has it advantages. For example:

1. You can buy clothes from the juniors section
While I feel a little To Catch a Predator-ish browsing the juniors section alongside 12-year-olds, I will say that it’s worth it, given I get my clothes for less than half the price of adult sizes. A junior Ralph Lauren polo costs about $40, whereas the adult version would be over $100.

2. I’ve never seen a short guy who didn’t have a nice cock.
I don’t know if having a big dick is biological recompense for being short, but I’ve yet to meet a short guy who didn’t have a nice cock. Somehow what short guys lack they more than make up for in the dick department.

3. Everyone assumes you’re much younger than you actually are.
I’m 27, but because of my 5’2″ stature, people think I’m still in my early 20s, which is fortunate, because being gay and 27 is basically like being straight and 40.

4. The ceilings in every house seem high.
I’ve been to friends’ houses who have had 30-foot ceilings and I’ve been in friends’ houses that have 10-foot ceilings, but either way, it felt spacious.

5. We fit comfortably in airplane seats.
While people are complaining about airlines’ plans to make planes ever more cramped, the only way in which it affects me is it means I lose two extra inches of leg space when I already had over a foot’s worth to begin with.

6. We never have to worry about being taller than our date.
Remember how Tom Cruise used to put lifts in his shoes because Katie Holmes towered over him? Yeah, that’s a non-issue for us. It’s just presumed most people will be taller.

7. We’re good spooners.
Having someone cuddle you is basically the adult version of having a teddy bear as a child. We’re perfect little spoons.