Lucas Lascivious

Foe of moderation, champion of excess

Online Sexism

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Misogyny is an unfortunate, yet ubiquitous standard in modern-day society. It’s optimistic to delude oneself into thinking that sexism doesn’t exist, but just like racism, homophobia, etc., it does exist and to deny that fact is not a notion that’s founded in reality. What the invention of the Internet has managed to do, though, is take the already ridiculous expectations we place upon women and magnify their supposed “faults.”

Misogyny itself stems from an ingratiated, feudal social construct combined with men who are so insecure about their virility (among other things) that they feel they have no other option than to be raging assholes.

Which brings us to online misogynists…

The reason anonymous, online misogynists are monstrously disparaging towards women is because they use their anonymity and keyboards as cyber shields, otherwise, if they were to repeat the awful things they say about women (ranging from “you’re fat” to “you should be raped and die”) face-to-face, they’d cower, which would likely be followed by a slap in the face and a knee to the balls.

As a rule of thumb from now on, any idiotic thing you’d say to a woman you don’t know, just think about how your mother would react to hearing the exact same thing. You’d be offended, but you’d simultaneously be duplicitous. The cure for sexism isn’t necessarily shaming people for their misguided beliefs as they pertain to gender, but rather educating them when given the chance.

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7 Things I Wish Sex Ed Had Taught Me

It’s no secret that sex education in America is subpar. My personal sex ed experience involved a lot of slides showing people with blistering STDs not seen since the Middle Ages and an outdated video of a woman giving birth that basically scarred me for life. At the time it seemed like comprehensive sexual education, but retrospectively, it was and is a sexual disservice. With that being said, here are my suggestions for potential sex ed programs in the future:

1. Learn how to hide a boner
You have two options, depending on the size of your penis, but both require equal slyness. If you’re small-dicked, your best option is to pull a drag queen and try to tuck it, but if you’re a larger-dicked individual, the waistband of you pants is your best friend. The waistband acts as a sort of mew so that no one can casually see that you have an erection. Either way, indiscretion is the key to not looking like a pervert when you’re adjusting your penis.

2. Vaginas are not scary.
To begin, they’re part of a woman’s innate biology, so it’s not like they can get rid of them for your appeasement. Secondly, there are straight guys who fear vaginas because of vaginal aesthetics, but gay guys take it to another level by treating vaginas like they’re kryptonite. I realize gays have a reputation for being dramatic, but, really, calm down.  There are gay OB/GYNs who see thousands of vaginas and they somehow miraculously managed to refrain from recoiling in horror.

3. Always have lube on hand.
Yes, vaginas are generally self-lubricating, but lube is always a plus, and pretty much a requirement for gay males. The world would be a better (albeit stickier) place if everyone would just keep a packet/bottle of lube on them at all times, just in case.

4. It’s sexist to deem a sexually active female a slut.
Sex is, for most of us, a seeming biological need, and even though gender equality has come a long way, females who fulfill their sexual desires are still labeled pretty much any synonym for “whore” you could think of. I hate to break it to you, but what a person does in their private life with their body is not anyone’s business but their own (within legal boundaries).

5. Enemas are a godsend.
Among heterosexuals, anal sex is becoming more prevalent, but, unlike their homosexual counterparts, they still are abject to the idea of douching. No one wants to stick their dick in a person’s ass and pull it out covered in feces.

6. Ass play doesn’t make you gay.
Females have their G-spots, but the male G-spot is the prostate. Most straight guys are opposed to having anything being shoved up their butt, but realistically, it’s euphoric. The problem is a lot of guys think having something as small as a pinky thrusted up their ass is “gay.” As someone who’s had plenty of things up their ass that have been much larger than a finger, let me tell you firsthand that it’s worth it.

7. Switching teams is okay.
Personally, I highly prefer cocks to vaginas, but in the few instances I have had sex with women, I’ve enjoyed it.

 

A Little More Personal

I hate the notion that because someone is family you have to be nice, or, at the very least, cordial.

I had to block my father’s number because he frequently gets drunk and/or high and texts to berate me as a slut living off of my parents’ money, which is ironic, seeing as how it took my mother taking him to court to finagle the thousands of dollars he owed in back child support, which he still didn’t pay in full. I remember sitting on the front lawn of our house after my parents divorced when it was his weekend for hours and he never came because he was “busy” at work (translation: getting belligerent). Even when I finally came out to him, which was excruciating enough, all he said was, “Yeah, I’ve heard things…”

I’ve legitimately tried to be nice to him over the years out of pity, but since I’ve omitted him from my life, I’ve found that my existence is exponentially better.

Things I Hate, Part 2

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Movember
Movember (a.k.a. No-Shave November) was invented to bring awareness to prostate cancer, which is only slightly less effective than the Ice Bucket Challenge. The only thing you’re succeeding in doing is looking like the hipster lovechild of a homeless person and a Williamsburg busker who bangs trashcan lids together and calls it performance art.

Wreaths on cars
The only thing you’re announcing by tying a wreath to the front of your car is that you’re an obnoxious asshole.

When the top news story is weather
We get it: it rained. Meanwhile, Dirar Moussa al-Jahid was tortured and murdered for expressing his political opinions. What’s that you say,?California is experiencing a drought? NO SHIT, it’s city in the middle of the goddamned dessert. There are more important things going on in the world. Unless there’s astronomical damage, à la Hurricane Katrina, I do not care.

Spanx
I’ve had to take off my man Spanx in the middle of a bar before because after a few shots it feels like a straitjacket. I will deal with carrying a few extra pounds and booze bloat if it means I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated.

Weight loss commercials
Let’s be clear: all weight loss plans are temporary fixes. What Oprah doesn’t tell you in those Weight Watchers commercials is recidivism rates are sizable (no pun intended) if you don’t change your entire dietary lifestyle, not to mention, you’d practically have to have Oprah’s net worth to buy those things. To say they’re overpriced is being generous.

When people say, “I’ll pray for you”
I’m not exactly mum about the fact I’m an atheist, but even if I weren’t, it’s quite presumptuous to presume I’d even want your prayers. Your intentions may very well be good in your own mind, but it’s nonetheless condescending.

Giving bigots undue attention
Do you know what bigots hate more than minorities, women, gays, Muslims, etc.? Being ignored, which is exactly what we should be doing instead of giving them a public platform to spew their vitriolic and, frankly, dangerous rhetoric.

The word “homophobia”
When something is labeled a phobia, it implies the person with the phobia has an irrational fear of something. People who are labeled “homophobic” by and large aren’t legitimately fearful of gays, they’re anti-gay monomaniacs.

YouTube “celebrities”
Every once in a while there are YouTube personalities who actually make positive contributions to society (ex.: Tyler Oakley) and are quite funny (ex.: Michael Buckley), but 99 percent of the time, they’re famous for being attractive while perpetuating the stereotype that you can’t be both pretty and smart. Is Joey Graceffa nice to look at? Obviously. Would I doze off if I were—god forbid—stuck in a room having a conversation with him? Undoubtedly. Yet, he’s making six figures spouting mind-numbing nonsense. What’s more, I’ve never even heard of 99 percent of these people who tout being YouTube/Instagram/Vine “famous.” Child, I have never heard of you. Whip your dick out and then maybe you’ll advance to at least being a minor blip on my radar.

Things I Hate, Part 1

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Babies 
I don’t have children for a reason and it’s not just because I like dick, it’s because I don’t like children in general, so what makes you think I care about the life of your baby? All babies practically look the same, and even if they’re ugly, it’s not as if any decent person is going to tell you, “I don’t want to see your ugly baby.” Until they can form coherent sentences and use the toilet by themselves, I am not interested.

Prams
While we’re on the subject of babies, what is with these ever-increasingly large baby carriers? My god, you’re transporting an infant, you don’t need a semi-truck for a stroller. As a rule of thumb, if the carriage your hauling your baby around in weighs more than the actual baby, you’ve gone overboard.

Couponers
In the grocery hierarchy, it goes, from mildly annoying to I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face annoying, slow-shuffling old people, people who park their carts in the middle of the aisle, and then couponers. For the love of god, I will give couponers the five dollars they’d save on their entire purchase if it means I won’t have to wait in line behind them. When I go to the market, I have everything meticulously mapped out so that I can be out of there in under 10 minutes, so I don’t want to stand behind someone negating the expiration date of a coupon so they can save 10 cents on a can of string beans.

Vague obituaries
If you’re going to take the time to pay to have someone’s obituary publicly posted in a newspaper, why wouldn’t you include the cause of death? Yes, it’s a macabre request, but I don’t know your relative that died. At least give me details to pique my interest.

Funerals
On the topic of death, funerals are the worst. The only thing more morbid than my wanting to know peoples’ cause of death is people who want to see their embalmed and gutted loved ones inside of a wooden box that’s about to be thrown into the ground and left to rot until maggots eventually burrow through the coffin and feed on them. Not only are coffin burials environmentally unsound, they’re just fucking creepy.

Amusement parks
Who in their right mind would want to wait in line for two hours just for three minutes worth of an adrenaline rush? I’m impatient as it is, but unless there are multiple beer carts while I’m in that line, my patience is shot within 10 minutes and I’m over it. Furthermore, amusement parks seem to never be lacking in people with fanny packs who look like they have nylon FUPAs.

Nutella
I’m just going to say it: Nutella is gross. Even if I liked eating a spread that’s 58 percent sugar by weight, Nutella has gone the way of bacon, in that people rave about it so much that it’s become passé. It’s like the American version of Marmite: it tastes awful, yet people go crazy for it.

Car commercials
The louder you shout, the less likely I am to buy anything from you. It appears as if car dealerships are following Fox News’ modus operandi that entails shouting as loudly and aggressively as possible until people just give in because they’re tired of hearing you scream at them.

ID expiration dates
My ID has technically been expired since 2013, but rarely have I had a problem with bars and stores not accepting it. That being said, in the recherché event someone does deny me because my ID is expired, I have to wonder, what the fuck does it matter? My birthdate is clearly stated on my ID, thus it’s clear that I’m way older than the minimum drinking age. Calm down, Carrie Nation.

Zoos
Zoos are fun because they give you an opportunity to see wild animals you’d likely never be able to see in their natural habitats. However, as much as I enjoy zoos, I always leave feeling sympathetic for the poor animals that are being barked at and guffawed over on a daily basis in pens that, for the most part, in no way come close to mimicking their natural environments.

Ill-fitting suits
It’s called tailoring. Learn your measurements and have you suit fitted accordingly. It may seem a little expensive in the present, but in the long run, you’ll be glad you did.

Five Questions Left Unanswered by The Golden Girls

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The Golden Girls is undoubtedly one of the most fantastic and progessive shows that’s come along within the past few decades, but as brilliant a show as it may have been and continues to be, I’ve noticed a few glaring inconsistencies and quandaries. For example:

What happened to Coco?
In the first episode, the Girls had a gay houseboy named Coco, but he mysteriously vanished after the first episode. A quick Google search tells me that most of his one-liners were eventually transposed to Sophia and she was made a main character in lieu of him, which, to their credit, was wise on the part of the part of the writers, directors, and producers, but it begs the question: what happened to Coco?  Judging by his wardrobe, I can only assume he went on to become an extra in The Birdcage.

What happened to Blanche after she went to Sicily when she went to find Sophia?
In one episode, Dorothy put Blanche in charge of “babysitting” Sophia (which begat the famous line, “Fasten your seatbelt, slut-puppy. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!”), during which Sophia flees to Sicily to find an old lover. After being informed of Sophia’s international exploits, Blanche sets off to try and find her, and at the end of the episode, we’re left with the image of Blanche riding a donkey through the foothills of what’s supposed to be Sicily, yet we’re never given an explanation as to what happens next. Was Blanche stranded in Sicily? What was her reaction when she found out Sophia was already safely home back in Miami? Did she make the best of it and convert it into a vacation?

Did Dorothy follow up on her offer to help Mario expedite a visa to the U.S.?
In one memorable episode, Dorothy takes it upon herself to tutor a Latin American boy named Mario (played by Mario Lopez) and eventually discovers he’s a gifted poet. She submits a poem of his to a local newspaper, which in turn, because of his photo also being published, leads the INS to come knocking on Dorothy’s door to inform her that Mario is an illegal immigrant. He’s eventually deported, but as he and Dorothy are saying their goodbyes, she vows to keep fighting to get him back into the U.S. Did she ever actually make good on that promise? Because she seems to forget about him pretty quickly and Mario never made another appearance on the series.

Where does the random hallway to the left of the lānai go?
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How can Dorothy’s first-born be in his 20s?
At one point, Dorothy mentioned that she and Stan had been married for 38 years, which was the result of her getting knocked up. It’s mentioned several times throughout the series that Michael is in his 20s, but mathematical logic means he’d be at least in his late-30s at best, but most likely in his 40s.

The Advantages of Being Short

cuddlingIn the past I used to be highly insecure about my height, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that being short actually has it advantages. For example:

1. You can buy clothes from the juniors section
While I feel a little To Catch a Predator-ish browsing the juniors section alongside 12-year-olds, I will say that it’s worth it, given I get my clothes for less than half the price of adult sizes. A junior Ralph Lauren polo costs about $40, whereas the adult version would be over $100.

2. I’ve never seen a short guy who didn’t have a nice cock.
I don’t know if having a big dick is biological recompense for being short, but I’ve yet to meet a short guy who didn’t have a nice cock. Somehow what short guys lack they more than make up for in the dick department.

3. Everyone assumes you’re much younger than you actually are.
I’m 27, but because of my 5’2″ stature, people think I’m still in my early 20s, which is fortunate, because being gay and 27 is basically like being straight and 40.

4. The ceilings in every house seem high.
I’ve been to friends’ houses who have had 30-foot ceilings and I’ve been in friends’ houses that have 10-foot ceilings, but either way, it felt spacious.

5. We fit comfortably in airplane seats.
While people are complaining about airlines’ plans to make planes ever more cramped, the only way in which it affects me is it means I lose two extra inches of leg space when I already had over a foot’s worth to begin with.

6. We never have to worry about being taller than our date.
Remember how Tom Cruise used to put lifts in his shoes because Katie Holmes towered over him? Yeah, that’s a non-issue for us. It’s just presumed most people will be taller.

7. We’re good spooners.
Having someone cuddle you is basically the adult version of having a teddy bear as a child. We’re perfect little spoons.

Grindr Don’ts

Don’t ask to see a head shot when you don’t have one yourself.
If you’re looking to be discreet, that’s fine, as stupid as I think it is, but don’t solely show your torso while also putting in your profile, “Send a face headshot.” You’re not in a position to make demands.

Spam is the worst.
If I had $100 for every time someone has stolen my photos and tried to pass themselves off as me, I could comfortably retire at this point. According to the various links I’ve been sent, it seems I’m quite the world traveler:  San Francisco, Portugal, Manhattan, Atlanta, and, most random of all, Belarus. I frankly don’t mind if my photos are redistributed, because I figure, what can they possibly accomplish when the people using my photos to meet up? It’s certainly not going to be a 5’2″, big-dicked blond guy.

“Wanna fuck?” is not an appealing salutation.
It takes me 30 minutes just to douche and shower, and after that I’m pretty much spent. If I want to fuck you, trust me, you’ll know.

Don’t expect that a relationship is going to come to fruition just because we fucked.
“Penetration” and “affection” are antonymous.

Don’t put “no blacks” (or any other minority group) in your bio.
If you’re racist in your personal life, that’s on you, as despicable as it is. That being said, why are Black guys off limits? Biologically speaking, they have a darker skin pigment than Whites, so there’s really no other explanation when it comes to excluding Blacks other than racism. It makes you look like a bigot.

Don’t say anything on Grindr you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.
It’s very easy to hide behind the glow of a computer screen, but if you’re not interested in a person, it doesn’t warrant berating them for what you see as flaws. If they’re not your type, fine, move on. Calling them fat and ugly, though, is overkill, and it frankly points to your own insecurities.

Stop instating an age range.
John Stamos is 52. No sensible person would turn him down. It reiterates how stupid ageism is.

Always carry condoms.
Unless you’re learning to get The Clap, a condom….20 should be on you at all times.

Samantha Jones: Feminist Icon?

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Television history has presented us with a number of prominent characters that adhered to a wide array of feminist varieties: from Mary Tyler Moore and Maude Findlay to Julia Sugarbaker and Murphy brown to Liz Lemon and Olivia Benson. Some are blatant in their feminist beliefs, while others take a more subtle approach, letting their feminist ideals be known through their actions rather than brash pronouncements. One show that has been long-considered a beacon of feminism for millennials, and one that introduced a lot of us to the concept and its practical application is Sex and the City.

A while back I wrote an article questioning the authenticity of Sex and the City‘s status as a “feminist” program, where I pointed out that Samantha was really the only one of the main characters who I considered to be a feminist. Often it’s Miranda who gets that distinction, but I’ve always felt that, while her character was certainly a feminist, the way in which her character was written didn’t always present that feminism as being a positive facet of her life, highlighted primarily by the fact that she was portrayed as being an overbearing harpy who couldn’t land a man (seemingly the ultimate goal in the world of Sex and the City). Samantha, on the other hand, openly tended to veer away from relationships and scoffed at the enormous emotional role her friends let men play in their lives.

What Samantha is most known for is obviously her unabashed sexual prowess. What made her unique from my perspective is that while the promiscuity of a Blanche Devereaux-type, for example, was chalked up to inner insecurities on several occassions, Samantha wasn’t presented as the archetypal lascivious female; that is, one who is openly sexual, but still emotionally frail on the inside. Rarely have female characters been written in such a way that they’re presented as human beings who enjoy sex and just happen to be women without there being emotion intertwined with their physicality. Obversely, if sexually fluid female characters aren’t put in the ’emotionally stunted’ category, they’re painted as obtuse floozies seemingly incapable of having any emotional depth.

Samantha Jones was neither of those. While she’s noted for her egalitarian approach to sex, aside from that, she also had a highly successful career that she earned through her own tenacity and hard work, predominately healthy romantic relationships with a variety of men (and a woman at one point), a flourishing social life, and she refused to adhere to or accept sexist or ageist standards. Add to that the fact she endured breast cancer and two abortions, and it’s clear she by no means functioned as a one-dimensional, stereotypical, or depthless character.

Miranda, the token feminist of the show, once referred to Samantha as a “dime-store Camille Paglia,” but I would argue that it was Samantha all along, not Miranda, who was the real feminist of Sex and the City. Miranda talked a big game, but it was Samantha who proactively worked towards the equalization of the sexes and societal gender roles in practice.

Questions Gay Men Are Tired of Answering

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Hopefully this will help clear some things up.

Who’s the giver and who’s the receiver?
First of all, get the terminology right; if you’re brash enough to ask such a question, surely you attain the blatancy to ask outright who is the top and who is the bottom.

Does it hurt?
Anal sex is always going to involve a little pain, but if it weren’t pleasurable, would we keep doing it?

Do you get shat on?
Every gay bottom should know by now that douching is standard. If you’re a top and have sex with a bottom who doesn’t douche, it’s your own fault for lacking discernment.

How can you take a dick up your ass?
The same way straight guys expect their female counterparts to take one up theirs. Gays just discovered the joys of anal sex much sooner.

When did you know you were gay?
When was I gay? The moment I was born. When did I acknowledge it? After high school.

How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never been with a woman?
Perhaps the single most ignorant question that’s asked of gay men, because the obvious retort is, “How do you know you’re straight if you’ve never dabbled in homosexuality?” What’s more, I have had sex with women, and still do, I just find being slammed in my ass by a dick preferable.

Who’s the woman in the relationship?
Seeing as how gay relationships are comprised of two men who both have penises, neither is the woman. If nothing else, men lack the basic genitalia.

Does every gay man want to be a drag queen?
Every gay man does not want to be a woman, nor does every drag queen want to be a woman.

Don’t you just love Lady Gaga?
No.

Why do you act so gay?
I don’t act like anything other than myself, and the insinuation that every gay guy is flamboyantly femme is misguided.

How does it feel to know you’re going to Hell?
By condemning people to Hell, you’re also defying “God” by judging other people, so I’ll see you there.

What made you gay?
Biology.