7 Things I Wish Sex Ed Had Taught Me

by Lucas Witherspoon

It’s no secret that sex education in America is subpar. My personal sex ed experience involved a lot of slides showing people with blistering STDs not seen since the Middle Ages and an outdated video of a woman giving birth that basically scarred me for life. At the time it seemed like comprehensive sexual education, but retrospectively, it was and is a sexual disservice. With that being said, here are my suggestions for potential sex ed programs in the future:

1. Learn how to hide a boner
You have two options, depending on the size of your penis, but both require equal slyness. If you’re small-dicked, your best option is to pull a drag queen and try to tuck it, but if you’re a larger-dicked individual, the waistband of you pants is your best friend. The waistband acts as a sort of mew so that no one can casually see that you have an erection. Either way, indiscretion is the key to not looking like a pervert when you’re adjusting your penis.

2. Vaginas are not scary.
To begin, they’re part of a woman’s innate biology, so it’s not like they can get rid of them for your appeasement. Secondly, there are straight guys who fear vaginas because of vaginal aesthetics, but gay guys take it to another level by treating vaginas like they’re kryptonite. I realize gays have a reputation for being dramatic, but, really, calm down.  There are gay OB/GYNs who see thousands of vaginas and they somehow miraculously managed to refrain from recoiling in horror.

3. Always have lube on hand.
Yes, vaginas are generally self-lubricating, but lube is always a plus, and pretty much a requirement for gay males. The world would be a better (albeit stickier) place if everyone would just keep a packet/bottle of lube on them at all times, just in case.

4. It’s sexist to deem a sexually active female a slut.
Sex is, for most of us, a seeming biological need, and even though gender equality has come a long way, females who fulfill their sexual desires are still labeled pretty much any synonym for “whore” you could think of. I hate to break it to you, but what a person does in their private life with their body is not anyone’s business but their own (within legal boundaries).

5. Enemas are a godsend.
Among heterosexuals, anal sex is becoming more prevalent, but, unlike their homosexual counterparts, they still are abject to the idea of douching. No one wants to stick their dick in a person’s ass and pull it out covered in feces.

6. Ass play doesn’t make you gay.
Females have their G-spots, but the male G-spot is the prostate. Most straight guys are opposed to having anything being shoved up their butt, but realistically, it’s euphoric. The problem is a lot of guys think having something as small as a pinky thrusted up their ass is “gay.” As someone who’s had plenty of things up their ass that have been much larger than a finger, let me tell you firsthand that it’s worth it.

7. Switching teams is okay.
Personally, I highly prefer cocks to vaginas, but in the few instances I have had sex with women, I’ve enjoyed it.

 

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