Things I Hate, Part 2

by Lucas Witherspoon


Movember (a.k.a. No-Shave November) was invented to bring awareness to prostate cancer, which is only slightly less effective than the Ice Bucket Challenge. The only thing you’re succeeding in doing is looking like the hipster lovechild of a homeless person and a Williamsburg busker who bangs trashcan lids together and calls it performance art.

Wreaths on cars
The only thing you’re announcing by tying a wreath to the front of your car is that you’re an obnoxious asshole.

When the top news story is weather
We get it: it rained. Meanwhile, Dirar Moussa al-Jahid was tortured and murdered for expressing his political opinions. What’s that you say,?California is experiencing a drought? NO SHIT, it’s city in the middle of the goddamned dessert. There are more important things going on in the world. Unless there’s astronomical damage, à la Hurricane Katrina, I do not care.

I’ve had to take off my man Spanx in the middle of a bar before because after a few shots it feels like a straitjacket. I will deal with carrying a few extra pounds and booze bloat if it means I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated.

Weight loss commercials
Let’s be clear: all weight loss plans are temporary fixes. What Oprah doesn’t tell you in those Weight Watchers commercials is recidivism rates are sizable (no pun intended) if you don’t change your entire dietary lifestyle, not to mention, you’d practically have to have Oprah’s net worth to buy those things. To say they’re overpriced is being generous.

When people say, “I’ll pray for you”
I’m not exactly mum about the fact I’m an atheist, but even if I weren’t, it’s quite presumptuous to presume I’d even want your prayers. Your intentions may very well be good in your own mind, but it’s nonetheless condescending.

Giving bigots undue attention
Do you know what bigots hate more than minorities, women, gays, Muslims, etc.? Being ignored, which is exactly what we should be doing instead of giving them a public platform to spew their vitriolic and, frankly, dangerous rhetoric.

The word “homophobia”
When something is labeled a phobia, it implies the person with the phobia has an irrational fear of something. People who are labeled “homophobic” by and large aren’t legitimately fearful of gays, they’re anti-gay monomaniacs.

YouTube “celebrities”
Every once in a while there are YouTube personalities who actually make positive contributions to society (ex.: Tyler Oakley) and are quite funny (ex.: Michael Buckley), but 99 percent of the time, they’re famous for being attractive while perpetuating the stereotype that you can’t be both pretty and smart. Is Joey Graceffa nice to look at? Obviously. Would I doze off if I were—god forbid—stuck in a room having a conversation with him? Undoubtedly. Yet, he’s making six figures spouting mind-numbing nonsense. What’s more, I’ve never even heard of 99 percent of these people who tout being YouTube/Instagram/Vine “famous.” Child, I have never heard of you. Whip your dick out and then maybe you’ll advance to at least being a minor blip on my radar.