Lucas Lascivious

Foe of moderation, champion of excess

Month: December, 2015

Things I Hate, Part 2


Movember (a.k.a. No-Shave November) was invented to bring awareness to prostate cancer, which is only slightly less effective than the Ice Bucket Challenge. The only thing you’re succeeding in doing is looking like the hipster lovechild of a homeless person and a Williamsburg busker who bangs trashcan lids together and calls it performance art.

Wreaths on cars
The only thing you’re announcing by tying a wreath to the front of your car is that you’re an obnoxious asshole.

When the top news story is weather
We get it: it rained. Meanwhile, Dirar Moussa al-Jahid was tortured and murdered for expressing his political opinions. What’s that you say,?California is experiencing a drought? NO SHIT, it’s city in the middle of the goddamned dessert. There are more important things going on in the world. Unless there’s astronomical damage, à la Hurricane Katrina, I do not care.

I’ve had to take off my man Spanx in the middle of a bar before because after a few shots it feels like a straitjacket. I will deal with carrying a few extra pounds and booze bloat if it means I don’t feel like I’m being suffocated.

Weight loss commercials
Let’s be clear: all weight loss plans are temporary fixes. What Oprah doesn’t tell you in those Weight Watchers commercials is recidivism rates are sizable (no pun intended) if you don’t change your entire dietary lifestyle, not to mention, you’d practically have to have Oprah’s net worth to buy those things. To say they’re overpriced is being generous.

When people say, “I’ll pray for you”
I’m not exactly mum about the fact I’m an atheist, but even if I weren’t, it’s quite presumptuous to presume I’d even want your prayers. Your intentions may very well be good in your own mind, but it’s nonetheless condescending.

Giving bigots undue attention
Do you know what bigots hate more than minorities, women, gays, Muslims, etc.? Being ignored, which is exactly what we should be doing instead of giving them a public platform to spew their vitriolic and, frankly, dangerous rhetoric.

The word “homophobia”
When something is labeled a phobia, it implies the person with the phobia has an irrational fear of something. People who are labeled “homophobic” by and large aren’t legitimately fearful of gays, they’re anti-gay monomaniacs.

YouTube “celebrities”
Every once in a while there are YouTube personalities who actually make positive contributions to society (ex.: Tyler Oakley) and are quite funny (ex.: Michael Buckley), but 99 percent of the time, they’re famous for being attractive while perpetuating the stereotype that you can’t be both pretty and smart. Is Joey Graceffa nice to look at? Obviously. Would I doze off if I were—god forbid—stuck in a room having a conversation with him? Undoubtedly. Yet, he’s making six figures spouting mind-numbing nonsense. What’s more, I’ve never even heard of 99 percent of these people who tout being YouTube/Instagram/Vine “famous.” Child, I have never heard of you. Whip your dick out and then maybe you’ll advance to at least being a minor blip on my radar.


Things I Hate, Part 1


I don’t have children for a reason and it’s not just because I like dick, it’s because I don’t like children in general, so what makes you think I care about the life of your baby? All babies practically look the same, and even if they’re ugly, it’s not as if any decent person is going to tell you, “I don’t want to see your ugly baby.” Until they can form coherent sentences and use the toilet by themselves, I am not interested.

While we’re on the subject of babies, what is with these ever-increasingly large baby carriers? My god, you’re transporting an infant, you don’t need a semi-truck for a stroller. As a rule of thumb, if the carriage your hauling your baby around in weighs more than the actual baby, you’ve gone overboard.

In the grocery hierarchy, it goes, from mildly annoying to I-want-to-punch-you-in-the-face annoying, slow-shuffling old people, people who park their carts in the middle of the aisle, and then couponers. For the love of god, I will give couponers the five dollars they’d save on their entire purchase if it means I won’t have to wait in line behind them. When I go to the market, I have everything meticulously mapped out so that I can be out of there in under 10 minutes, so I don’t want to stand behind someone negating the expiration date of a coupon so they can save 10 cents on a can of string beans.

Vague obituaries
If you’re going to take the time to pay to have someone’s obituary publicly posted in a newspaper, why wouldn’t you include the cause of death? Yes, it’s a macabre request, but I don’t know your relative that died. At least give me details to pique my interest.

On the topic of death, funerals are the worst. The only thing more morbid than my wanting to know peoples’ cause of death is people who want to see their embalmed and gutted loved ones inside of a wooden box that’s about to be thrown into the ground and left to rot until maggots eventually burrow through the coffin and feed on them. Not only are coffin burials environmentally unsound, they’re just fucking creepy.

Amusement parks
Who in their right mind would want to wait in line for two hours just for three minutes worth of an adrenaline rush? I’m impatient as it is, but unless there are multiple beer carts while I’m in that line, my patience is shot within 10 minutes and I’m over it. Furthermore, amusement parks seem to never be lacking in people with fanny packs who look like they have nylon FUPAs.

I’m just going to say it: Nutella is gross. Even if I liked eating a spread that’s 58 percent sugar by weight, Nutella has gone the way of bacon, in that people rave about it so much that it’s become passé. It’s like the American version of Marmite: it tastes awful, yet people go crazy for it.

Car commercials
The louder you shout, the less likely I am to buy anything from you. It appears as if car dealerships are following Fox News’ modus operandi that entails shouting as loudly and aggressively as possible until people just give in because they’re tired of hearing you scream at them.

ID expiration dates
My ID has technically been expired since 2013, but rarely have I had a problem with bars and stores not accepting it. That being said, in the recherché event someone does deny me because my ID is expired, I have to wonder, what the fuck does it matter? My birthdate is clearly stated on my ID, thus it’s clear that I’m way older than the minimum drinking age. Calm down, Carrie Nation.

Zoos are fun because they give you an opportunity to see wild animals you’d likely never be able to see in their natural habitats. However, as much as I enjoy zoos, I always leave feeling sympathetic for the poor animals that are being barked at and guffawed over on a daily basis in pens that, for the most part, in no way come close to mimicking their natural environments.

Ill-fitting suits
It’s called tailoring. Learn your measurements and have you suit fitted accordingly. It may seem a little expensive in the present, but in the long run, you’ll be glad you did.

Five Questions Left Unanswered by The Golden Girls


The Golden Girls is undoubtedly one of the most fantastic and progessive shows that’s come along within the past few decades, but as brilliant a show as it may have been and continues to be, I’ve noticed a few glaring inconsistencies and quandaries. For example:

What happened to Coco?
In the first episode, the Girls had a gay houseboy named Coco, but he mysteriously vanished after the first episode. A quick Google search tells me that most of his one-liners were eventually transposed to Sophia and she was made a main character in lieu of him, which, to their credit, was wise on the part of the part of the writers, directors, and producers, but it begs the question: what happened to Coco?  Judging by his wardrobe, I can only assume he went on to become an extra in The Birdcage.

What happened to Blanche after she went to Sicily when she went to find Sophia?
In one episode, Dorothy put Blanche in charge of “babysitting” Sophia (which begat the famous line, “Fasten your seatbelt, slut-puppy. This ain’t gonna be no cakewalk!”), during which Sophia flees to Sicily to find an old lover. After being informed of Sophia’s international exploits, Blanche sets off to try and find her, and at the end of the episode, we’re left with the image of Blanche riding a donkey through the foothills of what’s supposed to be Sicily, yet we’re never given an explanation as to what happens next. Was Blanche stranded in Sicily? What was her reaction when she found out Sophia was already safely home back in Miami? Did she make the best of it and convert it into a vacation?

Did Dorothy follow up on her offer to help Mario expedite a visa to the U.S.?
In one memorable episode, Dorothy takes it upon herself to tutor a Latin American boy named Mario (played by Mario Lopez) and eventually discovers he’s a gifted poet. She submits a poem of his to a local newspaper, which in turn, because of his photo also being published, leads the INS to come knocking on Dorothy’s door to inform her that Mario is an illegal immigrant. He’s eventually deported, but as he and Dorothy are saying their goodbyes, she vows to keep fighting to get him back into the U.S. Did she ever actually make good on that promise? Because she seems to forget about him pretty quickly and Mario never made another appearance on the series.

Where does the random hallway to the left of the lānai go?
Screenshot 2015-12-22 at 2.20.15 PM

How can Dorothy’s first-born be in his 20s?
At one point, Dorothy mentioned that she and Stan had been married for 38 years, which was the result of her getting knocked up. It’s mentioned several times throughout the series that Michael is in his 20s, but mathematical logic means he’d be at least in his late-30s at best, but most likely in his 40s.