Grindr Don’ts

by Lucas Witherspoon

Don’t ask to see a head shot when you don’t have one yourself.
If you’re looking to be discreet, that’s fine, as stupid as I think it is, but don’t solely show your torso while also putting in your profile, “Send a face headshot.” You’re not in a position to make demands.

Spam is the worst.
If I had $100 for every time someone has stolen my photos and tried to pass themselves off as me, I could comfortably retire at this point. According to the various links I’ve been sent, it seems I’m quite the world traveler:  San Francisco, Portugal, Manhattan, Atlanta, and, most random of all, Belarus. I frankly don’t mind if my photos are redistributed, because I figure, what can they possibly accomplish when the people using my photos to meet up? It’s certainly not going to be a 5’2″, big-dicked blond guy.

“Wanna fuck?” is not an appealing salutation.
It takes me 30 minutes just to douche and shower, and after that I’m pretty much spent. If I want to fuck you, trust me, you’ll know.

Don’t expect that a relationship is going to come to fruition just because we fucked.
“Penetration” and “affection” are antonymous.

Don’t put “no blacks” (or any other minority group) in your bio.
If you’re racist in your personal life, that’s on you, as despicable as it is. That being said, why are Black guys off limits? Biologically speaking, they have a darker skin pigment than Whites, so there’s really no other explanation when it comes to excluding Blacks other than racism. It makes you look like a bigot.

Don’t say anything on Grindr you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.
It’s very easy to hide behind the glow of a computer screen, but if you’re not interested in a person, it doesn’t warrant berating them for what you see as flaws. If they’re not your type, fine, move on. Calling them fat and ugly, though, is overkill, and it frankly points to your own insecurities.

Stop instating an age range.
John Stamos is 52. No sensible person would turn him down. It reiterates how stupid ageism is.

Always carry condoms.
Unless you’re learning to get The Clap, a condom….20 should be on you at all times.