Lucas Lascivious

Foe of moderation, champion of excess

Month: November, 2015

The Advantages of Being Short

cuddlingIn the past I used to be highly insecure about my height, but as I’ve gotten older I’ve come to realize that being short actually has it advantages. For example:

1. You can buy clothes from the juniors section
While I feel a little To Catch a Predator-ish browsing the juniors section alongside 12-year-olds, I will say that it’s worth it, given I get my clothes for less than half the price of adult sizes. A junior Ralph Lauren polo costs about $40, whereas the adult version would be over $100.

2. I’ve never seen a short guy who didn’t have a nice cock.
I don’t know if having a big dick is biological recompense for being short, but I’ve yet to meet a short guy who didn’t have a nice cock. Somehow what short guys lack they more than make up for in the dick department.

3. Everyone assumes you’re much younger than you actually are.
I’m 27, but because of my 5’2″ stature, people think I’m still in my early 20s, which is fortunate, because being gay and 27 is basically like being straight and 40.

4. The ceilings in every house seem high.
I’ve been to friends’ houses who have had 30-foot ceilings and I’ve been in friends’ houses that have 10-foot ceilings, but either way, it felt spacious.

5. We fit comfortably in airplane seats.
While people are complaining about airlines’ plans to make planes ever more cramped, the only way in which it affects me is it means I lose two extra inches of leg space when I already had over a foot’s worth to begin with.

6. We never have to worry about being taller than our date.
Remember how Tom Cruise used to put lifts in his shoes because Katie Holmes towered over him? Yeah, that’s a non-issue for us. It’s just presumed most people will be taller.

7. We’re good spooners.
Having someone cuddle you is basically the adult version of having a teddy bear as a child. We’re perfect little spoons.


Grindr Don’ts

Don’t ask to see a head shot when you don’t have one yourself.
If you’re looking to be discreet, that’s fine, as stupid as I think it is, but don’t solely show your torso while also putting in your profile, “Send a face headshot.” You’re not in a position to make demands.

Spam is the worst.
If I had $100 for every time someone has stolen my photos and tried to pass themselves off as me, I could comfortably retire at this point. According to the various links I’ve been sent, it seems I’m quite the world traveler:  San Francisco, Portugal, Manhattan, Atlanta, and, most random of all, Belarus. I frankly don’t mind if my photos are redistributed, because I figure, what can they possibly accomplish when the people using my photos to meet up? It’s certainly not going to be a 5’2″, big-dicked blond guy.

“Wanna fuck?” is not an appealing salutation.
It takes me 30 minutes just to douche and shower, and after that I’m pretty much spent. If I want to fuck you, trust me, you’ll know.

Don’t expect that a relationship is going to come to fruition just because we fucked.
“Penetration” and “affection” are antonymous.

Don’t put “no blacks” (or any other minority group) in your bio.
If you’re racist in your personal life, that’s on you, as despicable as it is. That being said, why are Black guys off limits? Biologically speaking, they have a darker skin pigment than Whites, so there’s really no other explanation when it comes to excluding Blacks other than racism. It makes you look like a bigot.

Don’t say anything on Grindr you wouldn’t say to someone’s face.
It’s very easy to hide behind the glow of a computer screen, but if you’re not interested in a person, it doesn’t warrant berating them for what you see as flaws. If they’re not your type, fine, move on. Calling them fat and ugly, though, is overkill, and it frankly points to your own insecurities.

Stop instating an age range.
John Stamos is 52. No sensible person would turn him down. It reiterates how stupid ageism is.

Always carry condoms.
Unless you’re learning to get The Clap, a condom….20 should be on you at all times.