Questions Gay Men Are Tired of Answering

by Lucas Witherspoon

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Hopefully this will help clear some things up.

Who’s the giver and who’s the receiver?
First of all, get the terminology right; if you’re brash enough to ask such a question, surely you attain the blatancy to ask outright who is the top and who is the bottom.

Does it hurt?
Anal sex is always going to involve a little pain, but if it weren’t pleasurable, would we keep doing it?

Do you get shat on?
Every gay bottom should know by now that douching is standard. If you’re a top and have sex with a bottom who doesn’t douche, it’s your own fault for lacking discernment.

How can you take a dick up your ass?
The same way straight guys expect their female counterparts to take one up theirs. Gays just discovered the joys of anal sex much sooner.

When did you know you were gay?
When was I gay? The moment I was born. When did I acknowledge it? After high school.

How do you know you’re gay if you’ve never been with a woman?
Perhaps the single most ignorant question that’s asked of gay men, because the obvious retort is, “How do you know you’re straight if you’ve never dabbled in homosexuality?” What’s more, I have had sex with women, and still do, I just find being slammed in my ass by a dick preferable.

Who’s the woman in the relationship?
Seeing as how gay relationships are comprised of two men who both have penises, neither is the woman. If nothing else, men lack the basic genitalia.

Does every gay man want to be a drag queen?
Every gay man does not want to be a woman, nor does every drag queen want to be a woman.

Don’t you just love Lady Gaga?
No.

Why do you act so gay?
I don’t act like anything other than myself, and the insinuation that every gay guy is flamboyantly femme is misguided.

How does it feel to know you’re going to Hell?
By condemning people to Hell, you’re also defying “God” by judging other people, so I’ll see you there.

What made you gay?
Biology.

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