Lies Alcohol Has Told Me

by Lucas Witherspoon


It’s no secret that alcohol and I are best frenemies. While alcohol has been my trusty companion through good times and bad, it’s also led me to make some regrettable decisions. It’s basically been the Pete Doherty to my Kate Moss. While it can be a compelling substance to partake in, what I’ve learned over the years is that alcohol is, if nothing else, a lair. For example:

Alcohol: “This is the greatest song everrrrrr!”
No, it’s actually just Lil Jon repeating the words “shot shot shots shots shot shots shots” 100 times within a three-minute span.

Alcohol: A $3000 tip on a $450 tab is reasonable.
A 20-percent tip is customary, not a 600-percent one. (I may or may not be speaking from experience…okay, I am)

Alcohol: Everyone’s looking forward to your next incoherent social media post.
The sad fact of the matter being your drunken political posts still make more sense than Rush Limbaugh’s (allegedly) sober diatribes.

Alcohol: Your self-tanner looks natural.
Res ipsa loquitur:

Alcohol: You should definitely add [insert embarrassing song] to your phone’s music library.
Shaggy, One Direction, 5ive, and Rick Astley are not artists you want friends who scroll through your phone to find.

Alcohol: Public urination is fine.
Being a guy, yes, it’s quite easy to whip your dick out and piss anywhere you’d like, but at the valet stand at the Ritz…let’s just say it’s frowned upon and you’re expected to leave a bigger-than-usual tip.

Alcohol: It’s okay to drink like you’re 17.
Partying like it’s Spring Break ’04 and taking 17 shots of Malibu coconut rum means you’ll be bed-ridden for the next three days.

Alcohol: He’s at least an 8.
He looked like Jared Leto circa Requiem for a Dream, but when you wake up, he’ll look more like Chapter 27-era Leto.

Alcohol: The best time to argue politics and religion with your religious conservative family is over Thanksgiving dinner after a bottle of wine…or three.

Alcohol: Now is the time to do the manscaping you’ve been putting off for a week.
Two words: nicked scrotum.

Alcohol: This field sobriety test will be a breeze.
Most sober people can’t even pass a field sobriety test.

Alcohol: Let’s get naked.
Isn’t that everyone’s inclination after a bit of booze?

Alcohol: Just take a cab.
…the liquor store is literally two blocks away.

Alcohol: You need Taco Bell.
In theory, it sounds good. In practice, you’re a culinary masochist.

Alcohol: Your credit card is an infinite source of money.
You don’t need ceramic pie warmers (which are actually a real thing, according to my Williams-Sonoma bill).

Alcohol: Text your ex.

We’ve had some great times, alcohol, but you’re like a trick you only fuck when you’re both in town for the holidays: casual dalliances are fine, but don’t expect this to become a serious thing.