The Fag Hag Conundrum
by Lucas Witherspoon
Fag hags (I refuse to use the term “fruit flies” because it sounds stupid and the terminology is only slightly less offensive, as it labels gays “fruits”) are essentially a cornerstone in the lives of most gay men.
The problem with fag hags, though, is they’re straight, meaning the societal expectations placed upon them are vastly different than those bestowed upon us homos. By and large, they’re expected to marry and reproduce in their 20s, lest they become the Miranda of their group of friends. Is it unfair and sexist? Definitely. Do most of them adhere to the superficial social archetype anyway? A lot of the time.
That leaves us gay guys sort of in limbo: they have adult responsibilities now, whereas a lot of us are still living the Peter Pan Syndrome lifestyle. As both males and homosexuals, we generally don’t feel those same encumbrances, because we’re not even allowed to be legally married in numerous states (and if we are married in a state where marriage equality is the law, there’s the ever-looming threat of a Prop 8-esque jurisprudence fiasco) and we obviously can’t produce children, so these aren’t impending prospects we have to fathom.
What happens all too often, however, is that once our fag hags cave in to the peer pressure and blindly accept the terms society has set forth for them, they abandon us. Clearly that’s not always the case, but I’ve seen it happen more often than it should. Given the astronomical percentage of heterosexual marriages that end in divorce, one would think a fag hag would want to hang on to her fag as a buffer just in case, but the reality is that you’re usually tossed aside and only after the gulag-of-a-marriage do they want your support, seemingly forgetting the fact they axed you out of their life during the entirety of the marriage.
Obviously, people drift apart; that’s a facet of life. But, just as you ignored us during your marriage, you can expect due recompense. We’re not trophies or objects meant to be left upon a shelf and forgotten about until it’s convenient for you, we’re human beings.