Four Alternative Uses for Boomer Banks’ Cock

by Lucas Witherspoon

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If you’ve never heard of Boomer Banks, you’ve been missing out on what could perhaps be the most magnificent cock I’ve ever laid eyes on, and that’s coming from someone who’s seen a lot of cocks (‘seen’ and ‘taken’ are the same thing, right?). He wasn’t named the Top Escort in the World for 2014 for nothing. But with a member that substantial, one has to wonder, what other practical purposes could it potentially serve, outside of the obvious. A few possibilities:

As a weapon
Visualize you’re in a dark alley, giving a blowjob behind a dumpster and what have you, when suddenly you’re ambushed by a street thug seeking your valuables (meaning a cracked iPhone and credit card you’ll just cancel 10 minutes later). You’ve no weapon to defend yourself, when all of a sudden, out of the shadows emerges Boomer Banks. At first glance, it seems he’s unarmed…until he drops his pants. Fuck a Taser or a handgun or nunchuks, one whip across the face with Boomer’s cock and that would-be thief will be in physical therapy for the next six months trying to realign their jaw.

As a floatation device
Imagine you’re at sea, having a merry time, when all of a sudden, you go the way of Natalie Wood and fall overboard (whether it was accidental or intentional is debatable, but I digress). You suddenly lose your cognitive ability to swim, leaving you flailing about, your mind racked with thoughts of your inevitable, impending death. You latch onto the nearest floating object in sight, when you realize that what you initially thought was a random water log is actually a personal floatation device. As you’re reeled in closer, it becomes clear that what you perceived to be a standard life preserver is actually Boomer Banks’ cock. Salvation!

As a cure for hiccups
True story: there was a 60-year-old man who developed ostensibly incurable hiccups, except–as was determined after a battery of drug trials and experimental procedures–by way of having what’s medically referred to as a “digital rectal massage.” When his vagus nerve was stimulated, the hiccups stopped. The vagus nerve is in the anus. Basically they stuck something in his ass and it cured his hiccups. As a non-medical professional, I’d devise that even the most severe case of acute hiccups could be solved by one thrust of Boomer’s cock. (Side query: does this mean that permanently having a cock in your ass is no longer considered slutty, but instead medically sound? Prevention is key, after all.)

As a battering ram
Envision you’re a member of a SWAT team, sent to detain an amoral serial killer who’s barricaded himself within a seemingly impenetrable refuge. Try as you may, you cannot infiltrate the confines of his asylum. Conversation, negotiation, and bartering have proven futile, so you’re reduced to using a battering ram in an effort to permeate the dwelling, to no avail. You call for backup. That’s when Boomer arrives, cock in tow. Your crude technology is immediately put to shame when, with one swift onslaught, what was once thought to be an impervious sanctuary has been breached by his cock. Boomer saves the day yet again!

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