Lucas Lascivious

Foe of moderation, champion of excess

Month: May, 2014

Four Alternative Uses for Boomer Banks’ Cock

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If you’ve never heard of Boomer Banks, you’ve been missing out on what could perhaps be the most magnificent cock I’ve ever laid eyes on, and that’s coming from someone who’s seen a lot of cocks (‘seen’ and ‘taken’ are the same thing, right?). He wasn’t named the Top Escort in the World for 2014 for nothing. But with a member that substantial, one has to wonder, what other practical purposes could it potentially serve, outside of the obvious. A few possibilities:

As a weapon
Visualize you’re in a dark alley, giving a blowjob behind a dumpster and what have you, when suddenly you’re ambushed by a street thug seeking your valuables (meaning a cracked iPhone and credit card you’ll just cancel 10 minutes later). You’ve no weapon to defend yourself, when all of a sudden, out of the shadows emerges Boomer Banks. At first glance, it seems he’s unarmed…until he drops his pants. Fuck a Taser or a handgun or nunchuks, one whip across the face with Boomer’s cock and that would-be thief will be in physical therapy for the next six months trying to realign their jaw.

As a floatation device
Imagine you’re at sea, having a merry time, when all of a sudden, you go the way of Natalie Wood and fall overboard (whether it was accidental or intentional is debatable, but I digress). You suddenly lose your cognitive ability to swim, leaving you flailing about, your mind racked with thoughts of your inevitable, impending death. You latch onto the nearest floating object in sight, when you realize that what you initially thought was a random water log is actually a personal floatation device. As you’re reeled in closer, it becomes clear that what you perceived to be a standard life preserver is actually Boomer Banks’ cock. Salvation!

As a cure for hiccups
True story: there was a 60-year-old man who developed ostensibly incurable hiccups, except–as was determined after a battery of drug trials and experimental procedures–by way of having what’s medically referred to as a “digital rectal massage.” When his vagus nerve was stimulated, the hiccups stopped. The vagus nerve is in the anus. Basically they stuck something in his ass and it cured his hiccups. As a non-medical professional, I’d devise that even the most severe case of acute hiccups could be solved by one thrust of Boomer’s cock. (Side query: does this mean that permanently having a cock in your ass is no longer considered slutty, but instead medically sound? Prevention is key, after all.)

As a battering ram
Envision you’re a member of a SWAT team, sent to detain an amoral serial killer who’s barricaded himself within a seemingly impenetrable refuge. Try as you may, you cannot infiltrate the confines of his asylum. Conversation, negotiation, and bartering have proven futile, so you’re reduced to using a battering ram in an effort to permeate the dwelling, to no avail. You call for backup. That’s when Boomer arrives, cock in tow. Your crude technology is immediately put to shame when, with one swift onslaught, what was once thought to be an impervious sanctuary has been breached by his cock. Boomer saves the day yet again!

The Five Most Dysfunctional Iconic Movie Couples of All Time

Oftentimes people describe wanting a so-called “fairytale romance,” but since no one bothers to read anymore, what most of them really mean is they want their own relationship to emulate that of one of the many prototypical film couples that have grown to be emblematic in a lot of peoples’ minds as to what a relationship should entail. Look a little deeper, though, and you’ll find that some of the most iconic movie couples of all time were actually just as fucked up as the rest of us, if not more.

Rhett and Scarlett
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Rhett and Scarlett’s relationship could be described as tumultuous at best, which, in all fairness, is the adjective I’d use to describe about 90 percent of all relationships I’ve witnessed. Their relationship has all the elements that make it ripe for instability: infidelity (or allegations of), drunken fights, and plenty of stunt queening (i.e. Scarlett falsely claiming she’s pregnant at one point). On top of it all, Rhett throws her down a flight of stairs, resulting in a miscarriage and gets drunk and tries to rape her. Clark Gable may be devastatingly handsome, but the character of Rhett was a pretty horrible person and mean drunk, which, in terms of bringing the crazy, complemented Scarlett’s psychopathy. Nonetheless, the results were disastrous.

Big and Carrie
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Without even pointing out the implausible fact Carrie was a freelance writer who could somehow afford Manolo Blahniks and a $9 million NYC apartment (the equivalent of $3,000 a month in rent), who then went on to become the eventual wife of a multimillionaire, Carrie Bradshaw remains the idealized archetype for needy, love-hungry women everywhere. Since when did emotional dependency become an endearing or enviable quality?

Romeo and Juliet
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Speaking of codependency, do we even really have to go in to how fucked up these two are? We get it: you’re two people in love who come from different worlds. That doesn’t mean you should kill yourself in the process just to prove your devotion and spite your families. Plus, they were “in love” for, what, four days? I’ve had juice cleanses that have lasted longer, only talking about doing a juice cleanse is only slightly less obnoxious than this duo.

Johnny and Baby
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Aside from introducing the world to “(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life”, thus prompting countless second-rate wedding reception recreations of the finale dance, Dirty Dancing tells the tale of a 17-year-old affluent, Jewish girl (a rich Jew–go figure), “Baby,” who meets a dancing instructor at a lodge while on vacation with her parents. She eventually falls in love with the lodge’s working class dance instructor, Johnny, and cons her dad out of money to pay for his primary dance partner’s abortion. Somehow the iconic finale dance has managed to distract audiences from realizing that not only did she lie to her father in order to pay for a random woman’s illegal abortion, but also that Johnny is clearly much older than her (conveniently, his exact age is never officially given). It’s a little too To Catch a Predator. On the bright side, I’ve never seen a straight man with better hip action than Patrick Swayze.

Romy and Michele
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Okay, they’re not technically a couple, but their interdependent friendship has completely ruined their chances of ever landing a man, so they may as well be. All that aside, they just may be the most stable and compatible coupling on this list.

The Sexual Objectification Double Standard

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As I’ve always understood it, it’s sort of an unspoken rule that heterosexual men who are very clearly straight are off limits. While I find human sexuality to be more fluid than most, in the same way that I and most gay men would find it extremely off-putting if a girl were trying to get in our pants, so do straight men when they’re being hit on by a gay guy. The only difference is that hitting on a straight guy could potentially lead to being punched in the face. What’s ironic about this straight abjection towards gay sexual attention, though, is that it highlights a glaring double standard. Apparently it’s fine for straight men to blatantly treat women as sexual objects, but when it comes to being treated as unwanted sexual objects themselves, sexual objectification is suddenly verboten.

In case you haven’t been alive for, oh, I don’t know, any given time throughout history since the beginning of humanity, most societies, generally speaking, have been patriarchal for any variety of reasons. One would think that in the tens of thousands of millennia we’ve had to evolve as Homo sapiens, we’d have been enlightened to the concept of equality of the sexes–and, to be fair, certain cultures have regarded women as equals, if not in a higher regard than their male counterparts–but for a multitude of superficial reasons, females have by and large remained a repressed group. That misogyny is obviously still very much alive today and it rears itself at no more direct a level than in the way that sexism presents itself on a daily basis.

I’m not going to lecture on the objectification of women in media because it should be obvious, given I could flip on my television and in the next three minutes point out examples of it; it goes without saying that present-day sexism does happen and that it’s overwhelmingly subconscious. Most of us have at least been out at a bar or club and witnessed the stereotype: a typical bro with far too much alcohol-induced self-confidence shamelessly hitting on girls and taking the liberty of dry-humping them on the dance floor with a flagrant disregard for the concept of personal space. To most, both males and females, that’s considered “typical” guy behavior, but their seemingly insignificant actions speak to the much large issue of female objectification.

When a gay guy finds another man attractive, it’s part of our make-up. Inherently, we’re just attracted to other men, which means that inevitably we’re going to find straight guys hot. The difference is a majority of us have the self-control that straight men also possess (but apparently don’t use), only we’re not pressured into having to prove our masculinity by being overtly sexual to the point where it becomes intrusive. That’s called respect, and it’ll get you much further than forcefulness. But, since there is seemingly no respect for sexual boundaries among most straight men when it comes to their pursuit of women, why should their sexual boundaries be respected? It’s just another example of societal pandering meant to protect the delicate, straight male ego.

The sad thing is that a lot of the men I’m talking about won’t even understand the opposing perspective, because their misogyny is so heavily ingrained it’s left them ignorant to their own plight. For legality’s sake, I should make it clear I’m not suggesting you freely make sexual advances towards straight guys; however, what I am saying is that until straight guys stop rampantly sexually objectifying women, they shouldn’t rightfully feel uncomfortable when gay guys (or anyone else for that matter) sexualize them.