The Seven Gayest Anti-Gay Members of Congress

by Lucas Witherspoon

It’s no secret that politicians are duplicitous. It goes along with the job for most part. But when it comes to the issue of gay equality, no party’s members have been quite so intolerant and sanctimonious as Republicans, particularly in the way of conservatives. Yet it seems there’s never more than a few months that go by that we don’t hear about some “family values” conservative getting caught foot tapping in a men’s room or hiring rent boys for hotel room trysts. Among members of Congress, these are the seven “straight” candidates who I believe would be most likely to either come out on their own or be caught trying to pay a guy to stuff a ball gag in their mouth and burn them with a cigarette for 100 bucks (because freaky Republicans are still fiscal conservatives).

Aaron Schock
Why not start with the easiest target, right? The gay rumors are nothing new for Aaron Schock, given they’ve followed him his entire political career, dating back to 2004. It’s easy to look at him and aesthetically assume that because he’s well-groomed and good-looking he must be gay. As flattering a stereotype as that may be, time and time again, he’s done nothing to disprove the rumors, all the while managing to maintain a resounding zero percent rating on the HRC’s scale of gay-friendly elected officials. It’s sort of ironic, given he seemingly lacks the ability to articulate his own opposition to gay equality.

David Vitter
Ah, David Vitter. Here’s a man who’s spoken out in favor of abstinence-only education (“…saving sex until marriage and remaining faithful afterwards is the best choice for health and happiness”), opposed amending the 2010 Defense Appropriations bill to better protect victims of sexual assault and rape at the hands of federal military contractors, and has proposed that the U.S. Constitution be amended to ban same-sex marriage (“I’m a conservative who opposes radically redefining marriage, the most important social institution in human history”). It all sounds like typical hardline conservative bullshit, until you take into consideration that, as he was saying all of this, he was a client of Deborah Jeane Palfrey’s, better known as the D.C. Madam. This is an instance of “the lady doth protest too much me thinks,” combined with hazy morals and blatant hypocrisy. There’s a thin line between cheating on your wife, abandoning your own oft-trumpeted religious beliefs, and hiring hookers, and giving handy j’s behind a dumpster in Tenleytown.

Jeff Flake
In this instance, when I say he’s pretty gay, I mean it in a completely complimentary sense. While, yes, like a lot of his Republican counterparts, he’s voted to Constitutionally ban same-sex marriage, he’s not as bad (which really doesn’t speak volumes), given he voted to prohibit job discrimination based on sexual orientation, and was one of a handful of Republican Senators who rapidly and publicly shunned Arizona’s discriminatory SB1062 bill, and asked it be vetoed. By congressional standards, he’s far and away one of the more handsome Senators and, most importantly, ripped:

Yes ma’am.

Michele Bachmann
I know what you’re thinking. “But Lucas, she’s notoriously anti-gay and has the highest rate of LGBT youth suicides in the country within her district, which she refused to publicly condemn or even speak about. She’s not anti-gayly gay, she’s just unabashedly anti-gay.” While that may be true, let’s be honest: the girl looks good, albeit a bit deranged in the eyes. You don’t get hair and makeup like that unless there’s a gay somewhere on your team, and I’m not just talking about her closet case of a husband. While we’re on that subject, though, you’ve got to applaud her dedication to being a top-notch beard. She’s deluded herself so much that the notion her husband is a flaming homo has never even crossed her mind, making her the only person to lay claim to that distinct feat.

James Lankford
James Lankford has an abhorrent voting record when it comes to civil liberties in general and, as far as I can tell, seems to only be in politics to make money off of voting in lobbyists’ favor, but elsewhere, I’m not sure if it’s just the tinges of gay-face he’s giving or the fact that I want him to be gay to feed into my ginge fetish.

…okay, it’s just the former. Those gelled bangs scream “repressed Midwestern homosexual.” At least his wife/lavender marriage companion is pretty.

Duncan D. Hunter
Upon first glance, he reeks of douche. Then you read through his voting record and he is confirmed to be a douche. He’s noted for his military service, but based on his execrable stances on gay equality, he strikes me as one of those military bros who, in public, keeps the façade of a homophobic asshole going, but in private trolls Grindr for power bottoms he can call “faggot” during sex. Anyone as staunchly opposed to everything gay as he is makes me question if there’s something deeper going on there…and I’m not just talking about anal sex.

Jack Kingston
Between Saxby Chambliss and Johnny Isakson, it’s apparent that Georgia is awful at choosing U.S. Senators, which is why it should come as a surprise to no one that Jack Kingston stands a fair shot at taking over the Senate seat Chambliss will be vacating in 2014. When he’s not telling poor schoolchildren that they should sweep floors in order to be fed a school lunch while subsequently racking up tens of thousands of dollars in personal taxpayer-funded expenses and advocating against taxpayer health subsidies while himself receiving taxpayer health subsidies, he’s diligently working to maintain his zero percent HRC score. However, what sets off my gaydar is that I can’t look at him without being reminded of Uncle Arthur from “Bewitched”.
I hate to even sully Paul Lynde’s good, booze-soaked name by comparing him to a puritanical, hypocritical bigot, but they even sound similar. If Jack Kingston weren’t a humorless homophobe, I’d fully expect a sexual double entendre at the end of each of his floor speeches.