The 10 Hottest Members of the 2014 U.S. Winter Olympic Team

by Lucas Witherspoon

As someone who has zero interest in sports (outside of maybe men’s diving because, hello, Speedos), the Olympics have always struck me as an overhyped institution. The winter Olympics are particularly  boring to me, seeing as how it basically consists people shuffling around on ice and snow in different variations. Sure, the Olympians have worked their asses off and devoted painstaking hours of training to perfecting their craft, but if we’re being honest, I really only watch to judge the hot athletes. This year I’ve decided to consolidate said hot athletes into a convenient top 10 list, therefore ensuring I won’t have to watch every Olympic event just to scope out the ones who could get it.

1.  Travis Ganong – Alpine Skiing
It’s a well-known fact that scruff is an aphrodisiac. Granted, the only research behind that statement is that of my penis, but let’s go with it. I’m personally not an outdoorsy person, but find the fact that, in his private life, he is titillating. Is he a good athlete? Hell if I know. Does he look good in Spandex? Definitely.

2.  Steve Langton – Bobsledding and Skeleton

I didn’t know what skeleton sliding was either, but apparently it’s sort of like when you were a kid and it’d snow, so you’d get your boogie board out of the garage and slide chest-first down a snow-covered hill, only he does it professionally and skillfully. Generally beefy guys don’t do it for me, but throw in that body with the fact he looks like a real life Disney prince and I am sold. I mean, you can  literally see every one of his abdominal muscles through his Spandex uniform. I’d find his dedication to his body admirable if I weren’t too busy trying not to climax looking at him.

3.  Kris Freeman – Cross Country Skiing
Are you kidding me? Blond, ridiculous body, rosy cheeks: this is about as close to genetic perfection as you get. If his workout regimen weren’t that of an Olympic athlete, I’d be convinced he sold his soul to Satan somewhere along the way.

4. Nick Goepper – Freeskiing
He’s part Patrick Schwarzenegger doppelgänger, part Broke Straight Boys model, and 100 percent gorgeous. I love a guy who’s sort of dangerous and freeskiing is about as recklessly perilous as it gets at the Winter Olympics. Imagine if skateboarding and skiing had a reckless love child and you have slopestyle freeskiing (and he’s got four gold medals in it!).

5. Jeremy Abbott – Figure Skating
If nerdy twinks are more your style, look no further than Jeremy Abbott. Figure skating is one of the handful of tolerable sports to me (graceful ice dancers with sparkly costumes–I’m in!), so Jeremy’s been on my radar for a while now, both as an athlete and a total cutie.

6. Bobby Brown – Freeskiing

He reminds me of my brother’s sexually ambiguous stoner friends who constantly talk about how much pussy they get, but then get high and hit me up for a blowjob, but it was really his flawless jawline won me over. Like Nick Goepper, he’s a scopestyle freeskier, noted for his triple corks, which is apparently some really difficult snowboarding trick, but in my mind sounds like some sort of illicit sexual act…that I want him to try on me.

7.  Zach Parise – Ice Hockey
I’m going to look past the fact he bears an uncanny resemblance to my cousin and focus on the fact he’s a hockey player, meaning he knows how to take (and give) a hit. I can only presume his performance on the ice translates well to his performance in the bedroom.

8. Chris Mazdzer – Luge
He could take a luge down my track (bad pun). But in all seriousness, look at that face: adorable! I don’t even like cuddling, but I feel like I could just nuzzle up to him with a big girl bottle of wine and watch First Wives Club.

9. Joey Mantia – Speedskating
Look, I’m not trying to speculate he’s not of the heterosexual orientation, all I’m saying is he looks like some you may expect to find dancing in hot pants at XL NYC, not to mention he personified the word twink in his younger years. Conjecture aside, straight or gay, he is aesthetically exemplary and, according to Wikipedia, a fantastic athlete (bonus: he looks to have tinges of ginge, which is all but guaranteed to make me drop my pants).

10. Danny Davis – Snowboarding
BRB, picking up the remnants of my dick because it just exploded. I have such a thing for guys with long hair, but included one with short hair for good measure, just to show he’s flawless either way. That’s it, I’m quitting life and becoming a snowboarding groupie.